I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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