Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
the raccoons are back...
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