i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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