We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
