I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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