We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
