Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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