So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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