So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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