i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
