What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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