So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
