hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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