This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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