Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
