I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
