So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
