On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌ï¸
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
