trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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