I'm so fucking centered right now
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
