My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
