take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
