i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
