if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
