Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
