I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
