So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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