Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
