just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
