I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
