I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
