The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
