I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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