The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
