remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize