i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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