I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
