Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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