Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
