I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
