wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
