so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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