remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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