She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
