There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
