Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
