Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
