we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
