Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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