I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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