Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize