i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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