Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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