It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
