I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
