Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
