A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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