she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
