I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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