I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
